Restaurant: Cozy Corner Diner
Intersection: California and Milwaukee
Rating: 2.5/5
Just Barely February 5th, 2010:
My horoscope[1] said I’d be exhausted today. I could’ve made that guess when I looked at the time. It’s 5:30 in the morning. I am on the blue line at 5:30 in the morning. I wouldn’t want to let my horoscope down.
Whenever I go home from Hot Doug’s, I take the 52 to the California blue line stop. There, nestled next to the tracks is the Cozy Corner Diner. Every time I see it I am way too full to even think about food, having just gorged myself on encased meats and duck fat fries. Since I couldn’t sleep, I’m specifically on the blue line to find breakfast. This is a food adventure.
Breakfast. That is why I am the only non-airline employee on the blue line at the moment. Now, I know what you’re thinking. What about the airline passengers? Between printing your own ticket and self-check in, I often feel like an airline employee myself when I travel[2]. But I’m not going to some far off destination. I am going somewhere new. I am going somewhere I’ve always wanted to go. I will finally try the Cozy Corner diner.
The whole time I am on the blue line, I can’t help but feel like the family sitting near me is staring at me. They are. I caught them. Understandable, like I said, I’m the only person that doesn’t have baggage with him. Well, I don’t have physical baggage. If I didn’t have any baggage, I wouldn’t be human. Writing a food blog, I find that I should check my bags before I enter a restaurant. Take Cozy Corner for example, I’m going to be comparing it to the mouth orgasm that was the Ohio Coffee Shop. It will either be a bigger flavorgasm or it will be a disappointment. I can’t check all of my bags however. If I go in with my mind blank, I’ll think that the shittiest scrambled eggs are the best scrambled eggs. My basic memories are my carry on. They’re what make the best scrambled eggs the best. That is why one of my rules is that I can’t review a place I’ve been. Places I’ve already been have too much baggage. I won’t be able to let this one experience at a place stand alone. It will always be colored by the last time I was there. I know I’m placing this metaphor on food blogging, but what’s true in food blogging is true in life. You need to check your baggage at the door, but keep your carry on. If you check your carry on, you’ll be mind numbingly bored and your granola bars will get crushed in the cargo hold.
There is nothing cozy about the Cozy Corner’s exterior. It’s very simple. Not the fun kind of simple[3], it’s the boring kind of simple[4].
I enter the restaurant and am immediately seated at a booth next to the window. Noticing the complete lack of sunlight, I order a hot chocolate. I then sit for longer than anyone who’s ordered a hot chocolate should sit without a hot chocolate. The waitress takes my order, the big man special, two eggs, two pancakes, ham, hash browns and I order a side of toast. That’s right I order the fucking big man special and it doesn’t come with toast. A note for any breakfast place: If your combos don’t come with toast, YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG. This is my carry on talking, not my baggage.
I am waiting so long I feel like I got off at O’Haire instead of California. I can’t think of another time I’ve been this bored, this early in the morning. I keep myself entertained the same way I do in airports, people watching. Apparently, I’m not the only one that does this. The Mexican couple across from me have been looking at me the whole time I’ve been here. The woman, clad in go-go boots, is too drunk to be discreet about her people watching[5]. She keeps looking over, laughing and speaking Spanish with her significant other. Had I known I was moving to Chicago, I would’ve taken Spanish instead of Latin[6] in high school. My food finally comes and there is a lot of it.
I immediately dig in and am immediately disappointed as my food blog baggage finds its way into the seat next to me. The eggs, while well cooked, are no where near as good as they were at the Ohio Coffee Shop. The ham is ham. It’s hard for ham to be special. It only has to be warm. The pancakes are ok, nothing special. The hash browns are damn good though. They are the saving grace of this meal. Crispy, buttery, potato-y and all around evenly cooked. The toast is toast.
Despite not really liking this meal as a whole, I eat a hefty portion of it. After all, breakfast is the most important meal of the day. My waitress, while originally very slow, keeps bringing me water like there’s no tomorrow. That’s when I realize, while shoveling boring food into my pie-hole, that there is no tomorrow. Normally, you fall asleep one day and wake up the next[7]. When I get home, I will go to sleep and wake up on the same day. Tomorrow is a foreign concept at the moment.
It is not my baggage that made this meal bad. My carry on told me that this isn't a breakfast worth much, except for the fact that it's still not light out and this place is open. The best thing about this meal is that the ungodly hour I have chosen to consume it makes me eligible for the Early Bird Special. I get all of my food for $3.95. Plus toast, plus hot chocolate, my meal comes to about $10. Exactly, $10.23. This was not a $10 meal. I am pissed, much in the way I feel having dealt with the airline.
By the time I get on the blue line back home, I am exhausted. I still feel like I am in an airport. I am tired but cannot sleep, I need to hear when my stop is called. I have to be awake. All I can think about is that moment when you finally get on the plane and can finally fall asleep. That is what my bed will feel like[8]. A few stops after California, a woman gets on and she is very attractive. But she is trying to be attractive, make up, lip gloss, the whole nine yards. I feel like a bored housewife whose husband has just asked for sex. I am too tired to even think about sex. All I want to think about is my warm bed and this other woman’s powerful mullet.
I get home. I ride the elevator up to my room. I climb into my bed. I am now cleared for take off.
[1] …My Facebook horoscope.
[2] Working for the airline would explain where my health and dental have been coming from.
[3] Like the simple pleasure of an old man getting hit in the nuts.
[4] Like the times that old men reminisce about.
[5] A key skill for people watching.
[6] Semper Ubi Sub Ubi.
[7] Except on weekends.
[8] Except with more leg room.
you should go to cozy noodle. it's thai and delicious. i love thai food. been thinking about it for the last hour. it's at sheffield and clark behind=ish the einsteins. love it.
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